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Category:TTC with Miscarriage/Loss
Country:Australia
Age:28
Months TTC:2
Specific Situation:
  • TTC Your First Child
Keywords:
first pregnancy after miscarriage

Introduction
I was on the pill from the time I was 19, before I started dating my now husband, until a couple of months after I turned 26. I had come off at one stage around the middle of this time but got acne on my back and decided to go back on. I really only stopped taking it at 26 because I ran out of tablets while I was running in an election campaign and had no time to get a new script! We didn't use other contraception, deciding what happened happened, but it wasn't until over a year and a half later that I got pregnant. I've always had irregular cycles, and would test if I got to three months without a period. I'd had negative results after this time frame twice, and was thinking that maybe we just weren't fertile, but the third time, there was a second line, and we had been suspicious because my breasts were definitely fuller (easy to tell, I'm barely a 12AA) and I'd gone off alcohol and sausages.

After feeling a little apprehensive at first, we quickly adjusted to the idea of becoming parents and became very excited. We went to the doctor, who gave us a fact sheet on listeria, told me to start taking folic acid supplements though it might already be too late for that, and referred us for an ultrasound and blood test. The ultrasound showed the baby to be ten weeks already, and it was amazing to see the little thing in there, heart beat of 172bpm, bouncing up and down like it was planning to follow in my footsteps (I'm a trampolinist). Given the date of my last period, they said it might be a bit small, but at home I checked my records of possible conception dates, and there was no way it was small, in fact it was at the large end of the 95% confidence interval they give for that stage.

We were so excited about getting to see our baby again when we went for the nuchal scan two weeks later. But soon after the nurse put the ultrasound wand on my belly and struggled to get a good picture, I could see there was no heartbeat. I hoped so much I was having a bad dream and would wake up. Unfortunately I was not. The baby hadn't grown at all since the last time we'd seen it. But it had seemed so healthy then! How could this happen? I didn't want to wait for my body to recognize the pregnancy was over, so I had a D&C three days later.

We actually got married three weeks after this. When I got back, I made up for the lack of planning for the first time, and got a rubella vaccination. I was devastated when my first doctor said to wait three months after the shot to try to conceive again, but then another doctor told me it had been revised to one month. At the end of that month, I got a blood test to see if the shot had conveyed immunity – it had, but during this time I'd started to worry about the fact that I'd never had chicken pox before, so got tested for it too. Unfortunately I had no immunity, and the chicken pox booster was definitely much longer than 1 month! I had to wait 6 weeks between the first and second shots, and then another 6 weeks after the second shot to TTC. It seemed like it would be forever. I just wanted to be pregnant again.

Trying-to-Conceive (TTC) experience
My first, unsuccessful pregnancy was unplanned. My cycles are so irregular and the temperature dip before ovulation seems so inconsistent that I haven't thought of it as TTC! More like HTC (hoping to conceive!) supported by more frequent sex than before. This is definitely a good thing because we had got rather slack in that department, not that we didn't enjoy it, but life would get in the way.

Charting Experience
About a month and a half after the D&C, I started charting my BBT and any obvious cervical mucus. The first time I got pregnant was actually the first time I'd noticed loads of EWCM and it was what made me wake my husband up in the morning to take advantage of it! I had no idea it was related to ovulation at the time. It's been a wonderful learning experience for me. At first, I couldn't figure out my pattern. As it turns out, that's because I didn't ovulate for 65 days after I started! I'd had some light bleeding, which I thought might be a period that was unusual after the miscarriage. When I did ovulate, I got a temperature dip that lasted almost two weeks, with fertile CM on the last few days, then a rise. I had actually been worried that I was sick because of the low temperature, so when the rise happened I was like, “Ohhh, that's what it looks like!” We were using condoms at this stage though, as it hadn't been long enough since the chicken pox booster. I ovulated again 35 days later, but this time the low temperature lasted only four days and I didn't get fertile CM. We had sex the day before ovulation but no pregnancy. Another 35 days later, I ovulated again, but this time I had the extended period of low temperature. I think I might have had fertile CM, but it was hard to tell, because we'd had sex three days in a row until two days before ovulation, (and 7 times in the 11 days to this point, which is way more than usual). I FINALLY got my first positive result on an OPK this cycle too, the day before ovulation, but by the time I got the positive OPK test, my husband was exhausted! I looked up the internet to see what the odds were of getting pregnant more than one day before ovulation, and learned that we'd actually got the best day, which seems to be 2 days prior.

The Internet
This is the first time I've written about any of my experiences, but I've read other people's posts on fertility subjects extensively. Sometimes I'm not sure they're that helpful because they actually increase my anxiety and make me cry sometimes, they can be so sad. The internet has been the only way I've ever learnt about fertility signs. I can't believe I'm 28 and didn't know all this stuff when I was younger, it would have been so helpful to know when my period was on its way!

Other Thoughts?
The 12 days since ovulation has felt like such a long time. It's so hard to refrain from drinking socially, but I've only had a glass and a half of champagne three days after ovulation, thinking implantation wouldn't have happened yet if it was going to, and a few sips of wine 6 days after ovulation. I was going to wait until 15DPO to do a pregnancy test, but yesterday I got some excellent work-related news, and my boss wanted to celebrate by spending the afternoon at the pub. I managed to get out of it by saying I had to be home early (it was true), but decided I better do a test today, because it is 12DPO and I had read somewhere that there's a greater than 50% chance of detecting a positive result at this stage. I figured that if the test was positive I could tell my boss not to bother asking me if he wanted to celebrate today instead! Well, I couldn't believe it when I saw a second line on the test strip. What are the odds of a false negative? I was so happy, but I'm also so completely petrified that it'll be a chemical pregnancy, or if it lasts past next week, the baby won't make it past the usual miscarriage time of 6-8 weeks, or if it does, it'll be like the first one and stop living even when we've thought it's safe, and even if it gets to full term, it might be still born. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there! It's so scary!!! But I will try not to be anxious. That can't help.

Last time we had told a few friends, but only my sister from either of our families. I wonder if this time we should speak up earlier, so they can be happy for us initially, even if things don't work out in the end. I hated suffering in silence last time, but if I tell them early this time, I might have to tell them about the last one so they understand why I can't get too excited yet. What to do??

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